Every story consists of moments of happiness, sadness, overcoming obstacles and a somewhat happy ending where all problems get solved. My story is different.
Imagine a world with so many twists and turns that it is difficult to stand still. A chain reaction of events that led up to an ultimate downfall. No one to pick you up. No one that understands what you’re going through. Just you alone in a room full of darkness and misunderstandings.
Welcome to my world. A place no one has ever understood, full of secrets and surprises that will shock everyone.
“Why are you such a bitch?” She asks after a heated conversation and a few words thrown around that hurt feelings.
Sometimes I ask myself that same question. Although, I feel I have a reason. The moments I held in my thoughts when I wanted to explode. Everytime they called me out of my name. All the jokes and laughter made on my account. It had been too many years and I was done allowing others to take my kindness for weakness. So I spoke. However and whatever was on my mind I said. No remorse or regrets for my actions or harsh choice of words. For that I was called a bitch.
She looked at me with a deep evil stare that made me want to scream. I awaited her next move or question. But the look I gave back must have answered her question without a need to reply. The room fell silent. I asked myself why I spent so many days with a person I’d hated for months. She wasn’t the same girl I met years before. Yet sometimes I wonder if I ever really knew the real her. She wasnt like me, and that’s what drew me closer and allowed me to befriend her so easily. Finding out who she really was made the friendship even easier to dismiss. There was only one thing holding me back: the child.
A beautiful baby boy born just a year after I met her. His eyes made me melt at the sight of them every time I held him. He was innocent and sweet. I loved him unconditionally, and he loved me. God mommy. It was such an honor. As he got older, issues arose from time to time with his mother which resulted in a period of absence on my behalf. It hurt me every time I couldn’t see his adorable face. I knew I had to keep my distance, otherwise the situation would get worse. I loved him like he was my own and was willing to do whatever I could for him.
Once the friendship escalated to a point of no return, I had to address it to him and his mother that I wouldn’t be around anymore. It cut me so deep that I felt my heart shatter piece by piece. He’s too young to understand what has happened. No one will explain it to him. Only one left out of the equation now is me: hurt and betrayed.
…To be continued…
Start time- 8:05am
Let me go back. Way back before all the hurt and the pain.
As far back as I remember- which would be me as a child. About 5-6 years old, an innocent happy individual. I had no care in the world. Life was my playground and all I ever knew was that my mommy loved me and always did her best to keep me happy.
She always tried to throw me the best birthday parties. Invited some family and close friends. And I always loved the gifts I opened. When I look back at some of the pictures of me as a child, and it makes me appreciate my mother so much. I know it was hard raising me. I always wanted so much. Attention, gifts, freedom, understanding..etc. I know I was spoiled. I didnt like hearing no.
As I got older, I began to hear the word ALOT more than I was used to. And that is when the rebel in my formed.
Fast forwarding about 5 years later, I moved to a new city. Not too far from where I was, but it was a change. New school, new friends, new boys, new EVERYTHING. I was a bit shy, but everyone made me feel comfortable. I liked the change. I wanted to hang out with all these new people and I didnt want to follow mom’s rules anymore. I decided to make my own.
Thinking back, I now realize how quickly I went from innocent to rebellious. I had so many people influencing me and I just wanted to fit in. I had company at my house when I was told not to, I stayed outside past the time I was asked to be in, and I loved it.
It wasn’t until I got caught that my world came crashing down. The new disciplinary action called PUNISHMENT (being grounded) took effect. And that was when I lost it.
…To be continued…
Thursday, June 14th, 2012
I have so much bottled up inside. Yet no one to talk to. no one who understands. I feel like a lonely soul, secluded in a desert island where I can’t be reached. I feel as though I’ve tried EVERYTHING. Yet nothing is good enough. So I stopped.
I decided to live life only for God and myself. Whether or not anyone understands that is no longer my problem. I have to show what I can’t prove yet. Show my ability to do what I am capable of. Talk is cheap. Yet words can go on for thousands of miles. It all depends on who is reading. Who is applying them to real life situations.
Too many are judging. Caught up in their own mess and cant seem to find a way out… Leading to extreme unhappiness.
Yet I am happy. I am free. I will walk alone. And I am fine with just that. 🙂
My medical blog; expressing my condition and my thought processes about the procedures, changes, and my deep, dark thoughts.
I decided to use this site to begin my blogging/writings for my new Support page on Facebook: “Support Raesha Eason as an aspiring writer”.
I will be posting as much as I can to keep everyone updated on my daily activities and experiences! I hope you will follow and like!! 🙂